Who am I

I am who wants
and who wants to be,
Something I am not -
That something I am not
Is what I respect.

I am who wants to be important,
who wants to matter,
but in a world this vast,
would I ever?

I want to matter
because I can't just live and die
If so, how will 'you' know me?
How will anyone know of my existence.

Your presence is my essence,
And actions only to impress,
Still, inertia seizes the actions,
When I am too lazy to function.
Because I want to matter,
But I cannot strive for it.

I am incapable,
giving citations of past incidents,
to tell you that I can, if I want to,
And that's a lie,
And that lie is me.

Striving to be other than me,
has always been my life,
I strife to be recognized.
Then, I can't take it.
I cannot face who I am,
Enjoyment is a perfect escape,
That's a lie, I love to enjoy.

All that I could never get,
Finds me in the leaves,
I roll it up and burn the hope,
Sucking all I need.

Now, I don't want to be,
In this state of bliss,
Thoughts imploding and vibrating,
Not much space for defeat.

When I don't want to be,
I still want to be
Why can't I just live and die,
Without causing suffering?